Pregnancy, labour and motherhood – If only I’d known…

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  • …that not everyone blooms and gets that pregnancy glow. Sometimes, people just think you’ve gotten fat – and sweaty.
  • …that not everyone gets a perfect bump…my arse got bigger than my bump. Probably down to the abnormal amount of Pepperami’s i was eating.
  • …that any weight gained in pregnancy doesn’t just fall off once the baby’s here. It just kind of…sags.
  • …that not everyone’s boobs get bigger when pregnant. Buying those bras was an overly optimistic waste of money.
  • …that towards the end of your pregnancy, waxing/shaving your legs never mind any other areas becomes an adventure in itself – sometimes resulting in a trip to A&E.
  • …that trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in takes most of the night – therefore you’re tired all the time. A baby becomes a welcome rest.
  • …that no matter how bad your heartburn is, Gaviscon is a no-go. It is rank.
  • …that the likelihood of my husband fainting during labour was a near definite.
  • …that a water birth wouldn’t be for me – I felt like a beached whale. And more than likely looked like one too.
  • …that whilst some midwives are absolute angels – others can terrify the absolute bejesus out of you.
  • …that no matter how my labour went – my dignity would be left at the door, never to return.
  • …that post-labour peeing will become the most terrifying thing you have ever done. And as for pooing – well you never want to push again so you end up a constipated mess.
  • …that toast and tea would become the most amazing meal you would ever have in your life.
  • …that stretch marks won’t just magically disappear….they turn silver and leave you resembling a fat albino tiger.
  • …that you would get a new-found respect for what your body can do. Babies heads aren’t small. But your body will never be the same. Ever again.
  • …that you would become a judgemental old boot when someone else’s baby wouldn’t stop crying on the maternity ward. Shame on you.
  • …that not everyone can breastfeed. And spending 10 hours attempting to express was not helping anyone. No matter what the midwife said.
  • …that Post Natal Depression is a real thing – and it can sneak up and hit you on your arse without you realising.
  • …that baby poo is absolutely revolting. Even though that baby is yours and you love them more than life – they stink.
  • …that no matter how many times you say you can’t wait to have a wee glass of wine – you won’t. If you get any free time, then you sleep. Or end up sitting on the couch in some kind of exhausted half awake coma.
  • …that your lovely pricey handbag will soon become a wipeable, suitcase sized array of nappies, baby wipes, packets of raisins, dummies, fireman sam figures…and odd socks.
  • …that going to the toilet yourself will never happen again. Private peeing is a thing of the past.
  • …the same goes for having a bath. You will end up in the bath with one of your angelic little children lobbing army guys in whilst re-enacting his favourite fighting scene. Before attempting to belly-flop in himself.
  • …that you will become a glorified waitress. Who no one ever tips.
  • …that you will continue to spend the rest of your life picking up tiny pieces of Playmobil – and sneakily throwing them in the bin before your kids notice. Again, shame on you.
  • …that the constant chanting of “Muuuuuuuuuuum” will pull at your heartstrings whilst also sending you to the brink of a nervous breakdown.
  • …that bribery and blackmail will become staples of your everyday life.
  • …that you will allow your children to watch cartoons and eat Macdonalds….but you will continue to declare that they eat organic vegetables and listen to baby Mozart to impress the mums at soft play.
  • …that no matter how much you doubt yourself, as soon as your baby is in your arms, the feeling of absolute unconditional love is overwhelming.
  • …that you will be insane enough to go through the whole process again….23 months later. And it’ll be completely worth it.

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*disclaimer – don’t let this put you off pregnancy/labour/mummyhood. It’s bloody brilliant in every other way ๐Ÿ™‚

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4 thoughts on “Pregnancy, labour and motherhood – If only I’d known…

  1. Pingback: Teenage pregnancy | kaileylemmeyer

  2. Pingback: The Myth of Motherhood | seventhvoice

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